Leatherface For President

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Here’s a theoretical question. Say that one of the United States political parties accidentally nominated Leatherface for president. Like, they initially didn’t quite understand that he was Leatherface, star of the lucrative horror franchise spanning over four decades—but then realized it later and felt bad about it.

Should they then renounce Leatherface and remove him from the ticket? Or does that make them seem disloyal to the party? Maybe just cut off Leatherface’s campaign funds during the crucial October campaign season and reinvest that money to support the struggling downballot candidates?

What if Leatherface one day just shows up for a rally screaming and twirling around at the podium, holding a live chainsaw over his head? Would that be grounds for Leatherface’s party to stop endorsing him? Or would his actions merely be interpreted as harmless sarcasm, any pearl-clutching by the media shrugged off as a nefarious personal vendetta against the cannibal patriarch?

What if enough people in the United States indeed wanted Leatherface for president? He doesn’t have the experience in political leadership or foreign policy like some of his rivals…but a lot of people just like the guy! He’s an entertaining person to have around. He’s an imposing and inspirational presence. He’ll slice up terrorists with his chainsaw and wear their faces. So many things, great about this Leatherface guy.

If the majority of the voting American public desired Leatherface to be their leader—to become one of the most influential people in the world—shouldn’t that happen? Isn’t that what democracy is all about?

What if we had proof that Leatherface was secretly working with Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhies, and Michael Myers to install a global network of horror mascots/absolute dictators to take over the entire world? Wouldn’t that make a cool movie? Is the guy with the mask from Scream still available? Are slasher films passé now in a post-postmodern horror cinema seemingly obsessed with ghosts, the vaguely occult, and the unreliability of what we consider to be reality itself?

Is this year over yet?