Did You Know: many of the most vital bits of knowledge have been kept from humanity for millennia. But thanks to advances in archeology, linguistics, cutting-edge journalism, and random links on Facebook, these once-hidden gems of wisdom are finally seeing the light of day.
I have risked life and reputation to bring you twenty of the most shocking, profound, and illuminating bits of suppressed knowledge in the world. Use them wisely, and be sure to make inspirational memes out of them so all may benefit.
What we think of as reality is just one big computer simulation; unfortunately, it’s “The Oregon Trail.”
A woodchuck could chuck 56 tons of wood. Assuming he was an average woodchuck.
A 1947 “Droopy” cartoon was banned from syndication in the 1970s after it was found to have accidentally set off the eschaton.
If you add the prefix “schm-” to any word, you can neutralize it. For example, if your mom asks you to do the dishes. Reply to her, “dishes, schmishes.” Now her request has become irrelevant.
One really neat trick I’ve discovered to both reduce your carbon footprint and save money on your electric bill is to just not exist.
DNA is a hoax; it’s actually just strands of microscopic PEZ. God created humans, so of course there is no need for DNA. God also created PEZ, which we do need. The DNA hoax was started by atheists, who wanted all the PEZ for themselves. I’m glad I cleared all this up for you; you can subscribe to my newsletter at the link below.
If you let the fingernail on your left pinky grow long, people will think you are either a coke fiend or a devil-worshipper; but not both. So you have a 50/50 shot
A great old remedy for headaches is aspirin.
Bazooka Joe is actually a very esoteric symbol used by the ancient mystery schools. He wears the eye-patch to demonstrate his reliance on the wisdom of his pineal gland. His white shirt symbolizes his spiritual purity as an initiate. His friend Mort with the blood-red turtleneck over his mouth represents what happens to finks who snitch on the ancient mystery schools. And if you put the text from every Bazooka Joe comic ever made on an equidistant grid, you will have a very shitty crossword puzzle.
Old Ziploc sandwich bags can be reused to carry goldfish.
The old adage “step on a crack, break your mother’s back” is actually a mistranslation of a 17th century necromantic spell. It should properly read, “step on a crack, bring your mother back.” Depending on how long she’s been dead, this could prove to be inconvenient.
The weird claw cats have all the way below the other claws was made to open the beer bottles.
One day the student came up to the Master and said, “Master! Master! I have been studying and fasting every day for 3 weeks just like you instructed! Now will you tell me the secret of Enlightenment?” And the Master put his hands over his own ears and started screaming “EEEE! EEEE! EEEE!” over and over again until the student ran away.
The Zapruder footage was actually faked, and directed by Stanley Kubrick.
Meditating for 45 minutes every day is an excellent method to lower blood pressure, reduce stress, attain peace of mind, and attract an alien presence named Zorgo who will dictate the new holy books to you.
A watched pot will eventually boil.
Once a cheese has reached a certain level of ripeness, it is safe for vegans to eat because it’s more fungus than animal product and anyway fuck the fungi.
7 x 13 = 28
Birds are reptiles with feathers and really great PR representation.
Reuse those old pennies by filling mason jars with them. Now you have some really cool art.