I Did Not Want To Have A Conversation…

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Not feeling well today, did not want to have a conversation with anyone. Felt like crap, felt I looked like crap. Worried about the hurricane and my family back home. Trying to be as anonymous as possible.

  1. Go to the “Natural Food” mart, this guy keeps poking me across like the entire “dairy” (dairy in quotes because half the food is vegan) aisle. At first, I thought he was trying to push through to the other aisle. Then he points to my t-shirt, which is from a local comic convention from like 4 years ago. He says how he went to that exact same convention and had that exact same shirt, his wife behind him smiling and nodding. It was a good convention, as far as I remember. Good, mostly independent self-published comic stuff; the stuff I am still the most interested in now; still the stuff I think about in regards to my own work. Not wanting to have a conversation, not wanting to talk about my past, but doing it anyway. Trying to covertly message to my husband who is somewhere in the frozen vegan aisle, because I know he is better at this (“socialization”) than I am. Feel it looks like I’m doing Dr. Strange hand-jive.
  2. Walking home from grocery store. A man who is working as a contractor on a house stops and starts following me & calling out to me. I’m freaked out so I ignore him; I’m sure this is some misunderstanding. Then he mentions a video rental store I use to work at…what, 25 YEARS AGO?! And then I remember, he was a customer. It was a very popular store. It was the hub of the community, you might say. And we just stopped and talked about the store. And I realize: there are virtually no more “video stores” left. Fuck. And: going to the store was such a positive experience for him that he remembers everyone like 25 years later. We’re both “old.”
  3. Go to the local bar at the end of the day. I’m still stressed out over the hurricane, and we’ve both spent almost 4 hours watching the old 1990 miniseries IT (my fault, I said I didn’t feel like watching the actual theatrical movie today but we could rent the old TV version). I said that I didn’t want to sit up front, but have a drink in the back and go home. But then the bartender, whom we know, offers free shots at the bar when it’s time to check out. While I’m there, I meet a young psychiatric caseworker whose clients are in “the system.” And she is telling me how these young men are raped in prison, raped in institutions, raped in foster care, then freak out when they have to do “intake” for their next admittance and nobody fucking understands their situation; why they would *possibly* be traumatized. Just this whole cycle thing. And it’s stuff that I was concerned about before, so I’m just sort of hearing it again “first hand” from somebody who is in the trenches. And so I thought about this all again.

That was my day making a conscious decision to talk to nobody. You care about your own “feels,” and maybe the feels of others who are close to you. You block everybody else out. But the Universe is like: LISTEN TO THIS, DUMBASS!!!!