FFS

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This is more of a personal rant thing—and I figure that, you know, if I can’t do this on my own site then what the hell am I maintaining for? So.

Pretty much on a regular basis I’m finding out more and more horrid things that have gone on behind the scenes in the industry I formerly used to work in, the comic book industry—an industry that I maybe spent, what, 15, 17 years in?

I find out that people who I used to work with and trust allegedly sexually assaulted other people. I find out that people I used to hang out with as friends are now accused of harassment, assault, and rape. I don’t even fucking know how to handle all this.

And I ask myself…why should I even care this much anymore? How does all this impact me specifically right now? And what I could I do about it, really, even if I should care?

I could write about it and write about it…but it makes me literally tired, it makes me angry and it puts me in a bad place.

I think part of why it upsets me so much is that…all these years, being around these people & around this environment…it’s all fucking tainted. My memories are fucking tainted.

And then, of course, the obvious—fucking more important than my “precious” memories—all these women have been fucking hurt behind the scenes, and their suffering hasn’t been adequately addressed.

It’s one thing when you read about these scandals in the news, and it’s about something that is not part of your world. It’s another thing when it’s people and institutions you know. When you hang out with someone for years—who you think of almost as a sort of “brother”—and then their name literally becomes a verb that describes sexual harassment in your industry. I’m talking about this level of shit, man.

And then you think back on ALL these conversations with this person—sometimes deep fucking conversations about life and shit—and was any of it even real? Was it real, but then he turned “bad?” Was it all fake, he was “bad” all the time? Or, even worse for my brain to parse: was it all “real” PLUS he was “bad” all the time???

And: did I miss/ignore all the signs? And if so…why???

It’s…made me a colder person. It’s made me distrustful to a degree (and I’ve also experienced some of this bad behavior directed towards me personally, so it’s like distrust layered with distrust).

I don’t even know how to fit that in spiritually. I feel like I’m going on “two tracks” spiritually where one part of me has parsed this all out and sees the “bigger” picture, and another part is just fucking angry as shit. To use a “Watchmen” example: it’s like Rorschach is my right brain and Dr. Manhattan is my left brain.

And so anyway…I’m just really distracted right now. I would like to think that with all this fresh light on these hidden things, maybe some women (and probably men too, because I’m sure in that sort of fetid environment people are using their power to mess with everyone) will get the empowerment and justice they are looking for. But it doesn’t seem that way, though.