BL’s Journal, April 15 2018


I’m going to write this in the form of a journal entry, rather than like a “post,” because I just have some assorted things to say and I’m not keen on “branding” them with a theme or anything. I want to make this as easy possible for me.

My inspiration in writing the Messenger Shiva series is Robert Anton Wilson’s Cosmic Trigger I, at least in the sense that I wanted to combine personal narrative, historical stuff in the wider world, and a little bit of metaphysics.

Now, I had written an autobiography before, with the help of a major literary agent. But I kept a lot of the metaphysics out it…though there was still a little too much of a whiff of it for my agent’s taste.


That memoir was supposed to be styled sort of as a victim/survivor’s narrative—a tell-all about the shit that went down at a major comic book company you might have heard of. And while a lot of that shit was in the memoir, as well as other experiences I had as a kid and so on…it was brought to my attention that I was not “framing” everything in the sort of black-and-white way the agency and editors wanted.

And it’s because they didn’t really want anything with any sort of depth…they just wanted a list of atrocities. They basically just wanted me to write “Superman sodomized me against my will” and then get that quote in a press release and then get that press release picked up by any number of sensationalist news sites and that was it.


That’s not what I wanted to write, though. I don’t even think I had read Cosmic Trigger I by that point…actually, I might have, even much at the same time I was writing this memoir for the agency. I just couldn’t see how keeping out the more spiritual aspects and interests of my life from this autobiography—including major synchronicities and so on—gave an accurate picture of my life. But they didn’t want an “accurate picture.” They wanted an “easy narrative.”

Then there is the aspect that if you have had powerful people in your life who have exploited you, they’re going to use whatever they have to discredit you. So if you say: “I believe that I’m an immortal spirit in a mortal body”…that’s it. That’s all they need, because a lot of these people are operating in a peer group and an aspect of society where they truly don’t believe humans are more than a bunch of dumb hierarchal animals who eat, fuck, and make money. Sorry if that sounds harsh, folks, or “negative,” or whatever…but it’s the damn truth.


So for a long time, I was very afraid to be public about my beliefs in metaphysics and whatnot. Because I thought: then I’ll be discredited. But I have since realized two very important things:

  1. No matter how much proof you have, no matter how airtight your case: if people in power and in the media want to discredit your story, they will absolutely make that happen. You could have 50 witnesses and stuff on video and any combination of proof/corroboration…if the story is “inconvenient” it either gets outwardly discredited or buried. And that’s it.
  2. According to my own spiritual belief system…I’m not the final entity these people have to answer to for what they have done. I believe in the natural process of karma. I believe we are incarnated on this planet to develop our souls. I believe if you’ve really fucked up in this lifetime and hurt a lot of people w/o remorse, you do have to review all that before you get to your next lifetime. And that it’s possible for a person to become so disconnected from their soul, so completely connected to just the animal side of humanity and materialism, and operating mostly from primal instincts…that in a way, they aren’t quite as human as “human”…that everything is sort of a “moot” point anyway because they’ve lost their soul & the only “justice” you might be able to garner from them is based on a material world that is transient and passing away anyhow. It’s almost like the best way to deal with people like that is to remove yourself from their presence, protect yourself spiritually, and just make sure you don’t accumulate any of your own karma in a reaction to them.

Anyway, long story short: after several drafts, the agency was still not happy with my memoir unless I shaped it more to the narrative that they wanted…


…and so I just pulled the book, self-published it in a very small run, and that was it. The publicity roll-out, the articles by me that they had been pitching to other magazines and websites, all that, was over.


I wasn’t fully happy with the book either. But the key thing was: now that I was in the “public eye” at that time…albeit in a very small, sad, blog-based geek-based way, but I was there…I was meeting a lot of really interesting people. And I was really getting a “crash course” on the way entertainment, media, and even political circles truly operated.

And so now I had…all this other stuff to write about!!!


Actually, my whole life, I’ve always sort of found myself explicably “falling” into these circles of…interesting people. Like, some celebrities, some public figures, people connected to some major shit, and stuff like that. And I found myself in their presence not because I was particularly smart, or talented, or even pretty, or anything…I was a fish out of water, clearly did not fit in, just sort of wide-eyed and stupid stumbling in.

I once had one of these people compare me to Chauncey Gardiner from Being There…because for a woman in her late twenties at the time, being compared to a Peter Sellers in his 50s playing a mentally-impaired man is exactly the type of esteem-builder I was looking for!!!

But seriously, I did get the Gardiner reference in the sense that…I just sort of found myself places. And important people would sometimes pull me aside and start talking to me…and I had no fucking idea why they were talking to me! I just didn’t.


You know, once I just “fell” into this big scholarship to study Shakespeare in England at an “international school”…I just read like a footnote about the scholarship in the college newspaper, went to apply, only two people including me applied and the other guy was more “meh” than even myself…I end up in England, something I would never have afforded to do…had like $100 in the bank account…and so I meet ALL these people, attend fancy things, all this shit. And then one day I’m at a play at like the Globe or the RSC or something, and during the intermission, all these people come up to me and tell me that Prince Charles is sitting directly behind me, and what an honor that is. And I’m thinking: “they’re pulling my leg because they think I’m an Ugly American.” And then I go back to my seat, the theater fills up once again, the lights dim, and the play resumes. And I look behind me, and it’s Prince Charles. He is literally like two feet away & looking right at me.

And it’s shit like that. Not necessarily meaningful…but weird, you know?


Anyway…in Messenger Shiva, I wanted to finally sort of work some of those experiences into the narrative. And maybe I’m just doing this, ultimately, to make some sense of it all myself. Whereas…that narrative itself may be ultimately as artificial as the one my agent wanted…in the sense that, maybe just the idea that there has to be a meaning and narrative throughline to it is artificial.

Maybe life is just a bunch of rando experiences, but our brains can’t “handle” that. We want everything to be a story, but maybe there’s no such thing as a “natural” story.

I don’t know.