1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after actress Valerie Harper, who starred in The Mary Tyler Moore Show and later Rhoda. My mom said she saw Harper in Mary Tyler Moore and said to herself: “that’s who I want my daughter to be.” Which was kind of a well-meaning, sorta ambiguously ethnic neurotic mess. Which I’m fine with. And was probably a self-fulfilling prophecy.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When I found out that this guy in my neighborhood committed suicide by setting himself on fire in my park.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
It’s almost illegible, which is why I constantly transcribe my hand-written journals.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
A gentle swiss cheese.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Not unless you count these cats, which are…not really humans.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
What type of fucking questionnaire is this???
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Only if I think the person can handle it.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Realistic answer: no.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Multigrain flax bullshit.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I don’t, except for these bullshit high-top Converse I keep wearing.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
The worst fucking thing you can imagine, with cookies and cream and pretzels and fucking Jimmy Fallon for some fucking reason on the box.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Whether or not they are comfortable
15. RED OR PINK?
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I’m occasionally a scared asshole who hides from the rest of the fucking world.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Rowdy Roddy Piper.
18. WHAT IS THE PAUL MCKENNA TECHNIQUE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON THE MOST?
I don’t know who the fuck that is. I know Terence McKenna.
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Navy-blue Converse hi-tops
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A 50 cent “Honey Bun” package which I’m probably going to fucking regret by tonight.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
“In Bloom,” Nirvana
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
I always liked “cornflower,” no matter what shade it really turned out to be.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
My cat Olive’s fur: a cross between spice and nastiness.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
27. HAIR COLOR?
28. EYE COLOR?
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Too much fucking trouble.
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Fried rice. Variable meat.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings, unless David Lynch is at the helm.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice. God help me.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
I want to say “Summer.” Soul is probably like: “Winter.”
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
More fried rice, please.
37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
Strength training. Though the last time I really got into it, it fucked me up.
38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Some weird fucking prophetic shit.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Are you fucking high?
42. FAVORITE SOUND?
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I’m the harbinger of the eschaton. I can also do project management.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE?
It doesn’t even have a fucking color.
49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Are you fucking high?
50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?
It’s not what I expected…but it’s fine.