BL’s Journal, April 25 2018

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I’m feeling kind of depressed. Here is a list of reasons why I feel depressed at the moment:

  1. A long, long time ago, I decided it’d be fun to really dig in deep and discover the truth about life and society. And certainly, the mental stimulation of researching or stumbling upon this or that or connecting all the dots was very entertaining to me—like oxygen, really. But then having to sit there with the accumulated burden of everything I found out…sucked. You can’t “unknow.” Actually, you can unknow but it involves any # of intoxicants or drugs or head injuries or ECT.
  2. Humans, as a cluster, seem to make a lot of really really really bad choices for their long-term prospects as a species. I have no idea what the fuck to do with that. I mean, I think I can make a small difference “locally,” and I also think like-minded humans can form little colonies that are sustainable and healthy and don’t contain secret dog-fuckers. But outside of that…you know, read any combo of serious research on trends in employment, the environment, technological advances, the economy, mental health, natural resources, birth-rates, weapons of mass destruction, and etc.. It’s like lemmings right off the cliff; humanity setting itself up for its own obsolescence/extinction as a species. I want to put some sort of futurist “rah-rah” frosting on it and add some wharrgarbl about geodesic domes, but it just doesn’t seem genuine.
  3. Humans, as a cluster, still seem to attach themselves to the binary “us vs. them” paradigm—and I’ve gotten to the point where I feel I just have to accept it because this all springs from some primal animal thing that I’m probably afflicted with as well. The animal in the wild making that quick, possibly life-preserving decision: “Us? or THEM?” And then we go on social media in 20-fucking-18 and do the same goddamn thing. It’s an animal instinct; one that can, with certain mental exercises and spiritual practices and perhaps also some of those drugs, be managed to the point where you achieve some sort of “evolution” away from it. But as a cluster, we are not quite there yet—and because we are still stuck in that paradigm, we don’t get a lot of shit fixed & we’re also as distractable as hell.
  4. If you are a human who insists on “walking that line” between the societally-mandated ideological binaries—good fucking luck with THAT! That is the most socially-offensive thing you can possibly do. It’s even more socially-offensive than being a Republican. People on the poles of the binary will literally come together to run your plague-shit the fuck out of town (when they’re not each retweeting you to back up their claims and piss off the other side).
  5. No matter how much I know it can feel real good (like heroin-level good)—I just can’t be an unquestioning “true believer.” I just can’t fucking do it. I can’t get myself lost in the religious revelation, the idolization, The Big Miracle, The Answer, and all that. I just can’t fucking do it, man…because I’m always asking questions. This is why people join cults with like all sorts of abuse and skin branding and secret dog fucking and everything—because they want to be that True Believer. (If you can just fuck that dog, man—and not ask any questions—you can join the Inner Circle Of Initiates.) Fanaticism is Sexy; it’s just damn sexy and appealing to people.
  6. Considering all of the above…it seems like I just refuse to accept what I perceive to be these irrationalities and “rough edges” and shit-sandwiches which appear to be part-and-parcel of living in this reality. I think, actually…I could accept it a lot more if society would just admit these things rather than constantly hiding behind these “civilized” facades and holier-than-thou attitudes. You know, like… “this is just the primal BS I’ve been programmed with.” Rather than say, “this is Holy Writ.” OR: “I’m going to totally lie about this because I’m upholding this veneer of civilized behavior that I’m going to shame you into following (but that I’m not really going to follow).”
  7. And the BIGGEST sin I commit on a daily basis—probably #1 reason why I’m so depressed—is that I think. I “think.” I fucking think. When I should just be not thinking. I should just open my mind until it’s a blissful blissed-out blissidy-bliss-fucking-blissful blank. And then

But really—I’m OK. It’s just a rant. I’m just thinkin’