Rats Vs. Koalas

rat koala.jpg

To all my vegetarian friends, god/dess bless you—but if I don’t have a certain amount of animal protein, I faint. I know spinach has protein. I’ve drank Soylent as a meal replacement before. The flax/blueberry/bran cereal I currently eat boasts tons of protein.

But if I go too long without animal protein, I faint. And after I eat the burger, I feel focused and centered. This may be purely a biological quirk of my gender + age factors. But you gotta listen to your body.

And it’s not that I don’t “feel” for animals. Actually, I regularly pick snails & worms up off the middle of the sidewalk and driveways so they don’t get squashed.

I just sometimes “vibe” more with the so-called “simpler” creatures—crustaceans, spiders, ants, worms, jellyfish. Maybe it’s just about rooting for the underdog. Maybe our assumptions about what constitutes a more “valuable” and sophisticated life—oyster vs. koala bear, for instance—are just that, assumptions. Which, of course, makes an ass out of you and mptions.

It’s like if you gave me this scenario in which I absolutely had to make a choice—save either the rat or the koala bear—I’d pick the rat. Because everybody shits on rats.

Rats are actually very intelligent creatures. They are often used in lab experiments because of how similar they are, DNA-wise, to humans. They have little highly-dextrous paws that are dead ringers for human hands. They can make a fist, for example:

And for all I know, the koala could really be an asshole. Whereas the rat—I know it’s a rat, things can only go up from there. The rat could surprise me by weaving me a basket out of his wood shavings, I mean a lot could happen.

Male rats have enormous testicles. They are so big, in fact, that sometimes a rat will stumble over his own balls.

Going back to rats vs. koalas—koalas always strike me as being possibly smelly and/or prone to homicidal rages where they gnaw the hands/feet/genitals/eyes of their hapless human victims. Whereas a good domesticated rat will helpfully lick the water off of your big toe after you exit the shower.

Which is all to say, going back (somehow) to my original point…I don’t feel that bad eating a beef or chicken patty every once in a while. Or rather—I do have some “residual” feelings of badness/sadness over the loss of animal life, but no more so than the big juicy earthworm I find with a huge footprint in its disemboweled middle after a rainstorm.

Who are we to say that the earthworm is worth “less?” Or the rat, for that matter?

Earthworms, by the way, are very tricky—and not entirely pleasant—to pick up:


But I draw the line at slugs. I wouldn’t even know where to begin with a slug, in terms of picking it up with my bare hands. It’s basically a small slab of sentient mucus. After a big storm, I’ve been tempted to go out wearing a pair of yellow rubber gloves and get to work, moving them out of the way.

Whereas koalas, they sort of won the animal DNA “lottery,” haven’t they? The koalas shit on the rats, the rats probably shit on the earthworms, the earthworms shit on the slugs, and Kulaatuu the Pleiadian probably shits on us.

I better eat that chicken patty, now; looks like it’s gonna rain soon.