8.26.18

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“Time and space are modes by which we think and not conditions in which we live.”
–Albert Einstein

Today is a full moon in Pisces, on the same day Mars finally goes out of retrograde. Mars was retro from June 26th to August 27th, and I will testify that it was simply a bastard of an astrological placement. We also had a series of eclipses in July and August which were real bastards as well. In Julius Caesar, Cassius states that “the fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves”; don’t buy that shit, the fault is definitely in our stars.

I’ve been very very very deliberately waiting for this particular full moon, as it is in my sign, marks the end of Mars retrograde, marks the end of the hated July/August eclipse season, and Mercury itself only went out of retrograde about a week ago. This is a very good day for me to put a lot of stuff in order in my life.

In doing so, I cannot help but think of a conversation I had with an old friend like 11 years ago. I was at a point in my life where I was getting a lot of offers career-wise, and I felt like I was on the verge of “breaking out” as a writer; and yet I was still struggling.

One of the biggest talent agencies in the world tapped me to write a book about my life, but every time they tried to shop the manuscript, the feedback they received from editors was that it didn’t sound like a woman’s memoir. And so I was continually asked to tweak the book to make it sound more like a female wrote it; with very little direction as to how to accomplish this feat.

And I was sweating bullets, man, because I was like: this was my one big break, and I was blowing it! I couldn’t even fucking write my own biography right!

(Did this agency actually read my previous work, or did they see a picture of me & a few quotes and thought they “knew” who I was? Or were they planning on “overriding” who I was and just “packaging” me as somebody else?)

So I talked to my friend one day and told him all this; he had just made real strides breaking into the larger entertainment industry and I picked his brain for some insights.

He told me that when people meet me, they often on a subconscious level can sense that I’m holding back my true self; and because they sense this, they resent me & can even be abusive towards me.

And I was like:

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But you know what; more than a decade later, I have to weigh the sum totality of my life experiences and admit that perhaps, just a little bit, my friend was probably right.