10.8.18

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“The Temptation Of St. Anthony, Part Deux”

“You are Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. That’s enough.”
–The Player, “Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead”

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There is a New Moon in Libra today, if you believe in such things.
New moons can mean new beginnings; a reset. They also can denote introspection.
Libra represents balance & justice; the peacemaker. Also: relationships.
What you would need to take into account with all this is that Pluto will also be in a tense square, which adds drama and emotion.
And so: just never leave the house today & you should be fine!

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I think an article will be coming out on me soon. Of course, it may not; you never know.

The temptation, for me, is to always then self-censor everything else I do because I figure that I gotta be a “certain type of person.” This temptation arises from actually having a bunch of media on me years ago & then having everyone scrutinize everything I said or did & being literally told I needed to be a “certain type of person.”

As a woman, that window of possibilities regarding the certain type of person I should be shrinks considerably. I wish I could say that being somewhat fluid gender-wise then “opens up” those possibilities but trust me, I’m still in that narrow gate.

Trying to be genuine is fucking hard and scary. I’ve known people who have spent their entire lives fighting being truly themselves and it’s driven them literally crazy. Trying to be genuine is not without its risks; but then you have to balance all that with the fact of the incredible vastness and weirdness and startling uncertainty of the Universe.

If I can’t live as myself, with myself; I’m fucking miserable. And nothing will make that condition “all better,” will sufficiently distract myself from the gnawing feeling of hollowness that results from being inauthentic. Not money, not sex, not alcohol…

Well, alcohol *can* distract you from a lot of things, but only fleetingly. But I guess you could say the same thing about sex. And without any money, you could theoretically really be in the shitter.

Of course…we all play various roles in life, whether we consciously intend to or not. And then there is the question of who, exactly, is our most authentic self? Doesn’t our body completely replace every cell like every 7 years or so? And didn’t Robert Anton Wilson say a single ego was a very narrow perspective from which to live?

I’m really fun at parties.

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On this day in 1939 was born underground comic book writer Harvey Pekar. Pekar literally “willed” a comic career in an industry that had zero interest in seeing his work in print. He was just a middle-aged crank, a record hoarder, a curmudgeon, a loser.

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Even when Pekar, after tirelessly self-publishing and self-funding his work for many years, achieved a certain level of notoriety…it was like the mainstream still had to shit in his punch bowl by reducing him to a mere curiosity. And here I’m thinking of Pekar’s appearances on “The Late Show” with David Letterman in the 1980s.

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Pekar was Letterman’s reality-show freak, before such things were commonplace. And then one day Pekar—on the show, live—essentially told Dave to fuck off. And that footage is so cringy (cringier than even the Crispin Glover shit), I can’t even work up the stomach to review it again for this post. But here it is (at least, some of it):

I have had a couple of people compare me to Harvey Pekar; which makes me feel pretty sexy. But considering all the choices out there, I guess I lucked out.

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Here’s the Squirrel Nut Zippers. Have a good Monday.