12.28.18

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“Unagi is a state of total awareness. Only by achieving Unagi can you be prepared for any danger that may befall you.”
—Ross Geller

***

I unfortunately missed the giant blue glowing UFO invasion of NYC yesterday because I was ASLEEP.

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“aliens”

I was asleep because I had insomnia the night before, and had been awake for almost two days. I had tried everything to go to sleep that first night: several Advil PMs, wine, increasing doses of hemp oil, and, of course, YouTube white noise/”calming music” videos. But it was like my skin was on fire and my heart was beating through my chest. At one point, I looked at my wrist and I could see this one spherical bubble of vein throbbing from under my skin. As the bubble moved, I could feel a corresponding “blip” in my chest.

Then I was like: well, health insurance kicks in, in like less than 5 days. I can just sally forth & consult a doc then. I’ll be fine.

And indeed: there comes a time in that second awake day, just about midpoint, where your body seemingly seems to “eat” that missed night of sleep. You acquire a newfound sense of alertness and it seems—seems—as if you “cheated” Sleep somehow.

But you DIDN’T cheat sleep.

After I finally came home, I completely crashed. But not only did I crash: I think every single thing I took the night before to go to sleep all started working at the same time. Like it was all in suspended animation in my bloodstream, waiting…And then all that energy just got released in a giant rush as I finally reached that deeply desired state of rest.

And I was SO DAZED this morning when I woke up.

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And I totally missed the panic that ensued in New York City as apparently a transformer blew, creating a blue glowing “plasma blast” that covered the entire skyline. Though I did do the responsible thing as soon as I found out about the event; which was of course go on the Reddit conspiracy message board and try to suss out if it was all indeed “aliens.”

Stranger things have happened.

***

When I went into work today, my boss had a “talk” with me—that my writing really wasn’t of that particular “caliber” he was looking for, but that I could study his copious edits to see what was required. I think on the first blog post he edited, about 600 words, there were over 75 separate edits. He came on board a few months after I did. It was made clear that he has a male writer waiting in the wings who could “nail” the style that I failed to replicate. Certainly, I have a paucity of professional credits behind me, having only wrote, edited, and produced a top-three MTV.com website.

Please understand: he didn’t go out and *say* that he had a “male writer” waiting to take my place. It’s just that he has a male writer waiting to take my place. That’s all. I almost felt like telling him: “hey, I totes get that guy stuff! trust me!”

But I think, given the exact circumstances, that would have only made things worse.

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***

Two things at this juncture:

  1. I’m sorry if I’m writing a lot about my personal life, such as it is. This is a blog, after all, theoretically about Conspiracies™. But I will attempt to say, in my defense, that you can only really understand Conspiraciesuntil you grip the concept of the myriad microcosmic conspiracies (patent pending) of everyday life.
  2. Uh…I forgot that 2nd thing.

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***

But do not worry, True Believers: I do have a running list of the most recent Conspiracies™. 

Things are fucked, I assure you.

I am just trying to…compose them in a way that is…palatable, informative, and practical. Oh: and, of course, entertaining.

***

I think that Trump fucked up, but I also believe there is a…there was a vested interest in this entire clusterfuck outside of his bad self. He was simply chosen as “villain,” is all. As “heel.” He didn’t even realize it; he was like “don’t kid a kidder.” But he was indeed “kidded.”

It is what it is.

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***

Ladies, I find that if you really want to cinch that move on the guy of your dreams: do your Christopher Walken impression! They LOVE that!

Do it right before coitus. Just spring it on them. It drives them wild. Any “Walken” will do: you can do the Pulp Fiction “this watch was sure uncomfortable” thing. Do the Deer Hunter riff. Or totally say “fuck all” and go straight to The Country Bears.

Listen to Nike: just do it.

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***

Should I stop here and just go to a “B” version if there’s more?

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Sure.

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