“To give up one’s belief concerning some structure of reality, there must be an image that stands for the new goal or framework, even if the specifics of that goal are unclear. The new goal must be ultimately desirable or ambiguity results, an ambiguity which prevents the new from forming and only fragments and weakens the old. It is an all-or-nothing process.”
–Joseph Chilton Pearce, “The Crack In The Cosmic Egg”
I am increasingly finding myself in situations that force me to “confront” one thing or another. Very often, the thing I must confront comes out of left field & I’m not really prepared for it.
Today, I showed up for a doctor’s appointment; the first one I had in a number of years, because I have deep anxiety about going to doctors.
Because I retain this anxiety, I chose a doctor that was relatively near my house. At the last minute, I was informed that the doctor’s address listed in the directory was wrong; and she was in a different, very obscure, hard-to-get-to part of the city. I just shrugged my shoulders and just kept the appointment anyway.
When I got there, I was informed that the female doctor I scheduled the appointment with was away on vacation; but I would be seeing the male doctor instead. Now, I had purposely chosen this particular doctor because she was female; and the directory gave you an actual filter so you can only choose female doctors. But now I’m being told: I will see the male doctor and it’s interchangeable and “is the same thing.”
And I stand there at the front desk and mull this over in my head. Perhaps I’m just being silly: a doctor is, after all, a doctor.
And then I suddenly realize that when I was around two, I was in a situation where my (male) doctor was either molesting me or tending to the mess created by somebody else having molested me. Given the exact mechanics of what happened in this pediatrician’s office, it was one of those two things.
And I thought:
And then I was dizzy & apologized and canceled the appointment and stumbled out of there.
I’ve always been told to “get over” things. What an absolutely dumb shitty wrongheaded boneheaded thing to say to somebody.
Another gem is—and you hear this all the time in some New Agey circles—that you “attract” the circumstances that come into your life. And yes: I have heard this used even in relation to child abuse. “Perhaps in another life, you abused someone yourself.” OR “Maybe you attracted the abuse into your life to learn a particular lesson.”
Now, I “get” some of the reasoning behind the “law of attraction” explanation (the “karma” one, on the other hand, has very little merit as far as I’m concerned and is usually misunderstood by the person who cites it).
The reasoning goes: by saying you’ve “attracted” this into your life, you have also been empowered to shape your life the way you want to.
That’s great. That’s awesome.
I once came across this series of lectures by a woman on tantra, talking about how tantric sex “cured” her trauma over previous sexual abuse. And YouTube has an automatic playlist, right, so after one lecture was over, another would automatically start.
And I was SO jazzed by this woman’s words, and how sexually free she now claimed to be, and all this. It honestly gave me hope for myself.
And then the next video came on. And basically: about less than a year after she shot those videos, she either killed herself outright or had a drug overdose.
And I was shocked and devastated. Not just because of the tragedy itself, but because…she seemed so sure she was “over it.” That she was “cured.”
And maybe she indeed was…to an extent.
Maybe this “complete cure” is not possible.
Perhaps all we can do is manage it.
I’ve talked about trauma being tulpas and thoughtforms; of trauma being, to an extent, “solid,” having location.
I mean: that’s the plot of half the horror movies out there, am I right? The “Shape” from the Halloween flicks. Freddy Krueger as the living archetype of childhood dread and fear.
Is Frank from Donnie Darko really a type of “entity,” per se—or is he just a part of Donnie’s own subconscious? Is Frank the embodiment of fear? Is Frank the suppressed side of Donnie? And/or: the stuff suppressed and covered-up by his community?
All I know is: by utilizing these pop-culture archetypal figures, it helps me process all of this trauma. It’s the way I process it. It works. I’m not going to go out on a limb and say I’m “cured.”
But it works.
And if it works…let it work. I’m not embarrassed of the techniques I have turned to in order to make this world more bearable.