“April is the cruelest month…”
–T. S. Eliot
EVERY year, I bitch about the month April. This year will be no exception. “What has April ever done to YOU,” you might ask. I consider the month of April sinister in a way that most people traditionally consider October (ending with theoretically the “darkest” of holidays, Halloween/Samhain) to be.
April not only has an unusual # of weird world events attached to it (and I’ll be publishing the obligatory list shortly), it has also been the “site” of an inordinate # of weird events in my own life.
Specifically, the period of time from late March (say, from around…the Spring Equinox/Invocation of Horus) to very early May (you know, around…Beltane).
Several long-term jobs have ended for me in that time period…in very weird, sudden fashions involving agonizing corporate overhauls, the lone investor suddenly dying, discovering my friend had secretly engineered the takeover of my position for himself, and other goodies that sort of just leave you like a smear on the sidewalk of life.
In-between all this, in mid-April of 2006, I legit almost died; almost bled completely out. Literally ten minutes away from complete deaditude, per medical staff.
This has rendered me as follows about this April period:
But rather than get my panties up in a bunch about this, I’ve chosen to undertake a deep study of the month—the symbolism of the religious events surrounding it, and a closer look at the many (the many) weird events that have taken place during this time. Perhaps by doing so, I can “demystify” the month for myself once-and-for-all & place it within a larger context.
If this is something that you might find interesting, then by all means follow the posts I will be publishing about this uncanny month in the days and weeks ahead.
But to sort of hedge my bets on April, I’m presently doing all the things I truly have a passion for—this work, the videos, the research, everything—so I can at least gain the “confidence” from the Universe.
What I’m trying to say is…I honestly believe that some of my bad luck—I mean starting back years and years ago—has been because I stopped moving forward on my Path. I really do. Saying this personal belief out loud can cause the eyes of some of those nearest to me to roll to the back of their head in a 360-degree rotation five times, as it kind of sounds like a lot of hippie crap. And maybe it is hippie crap.
But I’ve really reached the desperate-Stephen-King-throwing-out-the-manuscript-for-Carrie stage of my life. I literally don’t know what else to do other than to let my freak flag fly at this point.
Two quotes from Hunter S. Thompson are apropos here:
“When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.”
“If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.”
And I’m not saying I’m going to be super-successful doing what I want to do, and that my life is going to miraculously get better.
But what I am saying is this:
I knew a person once who was very very talented. I even had a gig with this person. This person really had the potential to be way more successful than me, and I think really was more successful than me. And maybe was more talented, pound-for-pound, than me as well.
And this person gave it all up to do “serious” work. This person utterly convinced themselves that they needed to be serious and completely throw themselves into this really mundane position. And not just work the mundane position—we all got jobs like that to make ends meet—but let that mundane position completely fill the vacuum of their previous artistic profession. To elevate the status of that mundane position and just “push down” any impulse to ever do the art again.
And this person…was very very angry. But they wouldn’t admit to themselves they were angry. They would just take that anger out on other people. No self-awareness about it whatsoever.
And I can’t be like that. And further: I think the Universe is going to squash me like a bug if I even try.
Because…I have tried to do exactly that. And the Universe has indeed squashed me like a bug.
And so I’m going to attempt what T.S. Eliot referred to as “…breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.”
I’m preparing a slate of posts and videos for the coming week, so stay tuned, True Believers!