I was going to write other things, but I’m going to write this:
I’m sometimes defensive. It’s built up over time in response to circumstances.
When I was like eight, my dad suddenly had a “fit” because he thought I was “disrespecting” him by going over a friend’s house, two floors down, rather than stay the entire day for Father’s Day. I was just going to a friend’s house apartment because I was invited. I didn’t even have a lot of friends! This was actually a friend “set up” by my own family.
I had ceramic letters on my door spelling out my name. My Dad tore them off the door and threw them on the floor. I had Superman & Wonder Woman posters on the wall. He tore them down and into shreds.
He lay waste to my room, for something that I really didn’t understand. Yelling and screaming at me. And afterwards… when he seemingly forgot all about it (because it was a literal fit)…I was never to mention it again. Even though, that’s ALL I ever thought about for a long time afterwards. Because I was utterly terrified when it happened!
Here’s the thing, folks: I don’t want to be defensive. I don’t want to be distrustful. Because I know…I know…that I can’t “ascend” from that point.
At the same time: I do want to point out injustices when they occur. Because that’s just my nature.
What is the answer, here? I used to think, years and years ago, it was straight-up Christianity. Not so simple. Then I went into the other direction, with “Law of Attraction” and a bunch of New Age stuff, that helped some…but really, just as much as the Christianity did.
I want to grow. I want to evolve.
I want to trust.
My God, I’ve read so many books! I’ve read so many books on this type of stuff, and it’s not enough. I’ve been hurt, but I can’t keep living within that hurt.
I have PTSD. My body ends up getting anxious over stuff that it shouldn’t get anxious over. But it also gets anxious over stuff I should get anxious over; but it’s not the most effective way to handle it. Especially if…I’m styling myself as a “pundit,” or a “life-coach,” or whatever.
This post is called “The Question”…because that is my question. And that is my life journey.
I’m still a work in progress.