4.24.19 B: The Question

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I was going to write other things, but I’m going to write this:

I’m sometimes defensive. It’s built up over time in response to circumstances.

When I was like eight, my dad suddenly had a “fit” because he thought I was “disrespecting” him by going over a friend’s house, two floors down, rather than stay the entire day for Father’s Day. I was just going to a friend’s house apartment because I was invited. I didn’t even have a lot of friends! This was actually a friend “set up” by my own family.

I had ceramic letters on my door spelling out my name. My Dad tore them off the door and threw them on the floor. I had Superman & Wonder Woman posters on the wall. He tore them down and into shreds.

He lay waste to my room, for something that I really didn’t understand. Yelling and screaming at me. And afterwards… when he seemingly forgot all about it (because it was a literal fit)…I was never to mention it again. Even though, that’s ALL I ever thought about for a long time afterwards. Because I was utterly terrified when it happened!

Here’s the thing, folks: I don’t want to be defensive. I don’t want to be distrustful. Because I know…I know…that I can’t “ascend” from that point.

At the same time: I do want to point out injustices when they occur. Because that’s just my nature.

What is the answer, here? I used to think, years and years ago, it was straight-up Christianity. Not so simple. Then I went into the other direction, with “Law of Attraction” and a bunch of New Age stuff, that helped some…but really, just as much as the Christianity did.

I want to grow. I want to evolve.

I want to trust.

My God, I’ve read so many books! I’ve read so many books on this type of stuff, and it’s not enough. I’ve been hurt, but I can’t keep living within that hurt.

I have PTSD. My body ends up getting anxious over stuff that it shouldn’t get anxious over. But it also gets anxious over stuff I should get anxious over; but it’s not the most effective way to handle it. Especially if…I’m styling myself as a “pundit,” or a “life-coach,” or whatever.

This post is called “The Question”…because that is my question. And that is my life journey.

I’m still a work in progress.

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4 thoughts on “4.24.19 B: The Question

  1. Socailly Feral

    Self-actualization or conscious evolution seems the name of the game these days—and it isn’t just for ourselves.

    I’ve recently discovered a psychological map shared by an Irish welder and Theosophist who had an enlightenment experience in 1973 (which was an interesting time for insights as you have pointed out). His name was Syd Banks (he died in 2009) and he referred to his map as The 3 Principles. I have found it helpful as maps go in terms of navigating the negative imprinting from our youth that so many of us are saddled with.

    Thanks for writing what you do.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve said this before but you are not alone. Many of us have been there. I had a similar experience with my mother when I was six. I am still here and still a work in progress as well. I am not sure how to articulate what has helped in my journey. I will have to take a look back one of these days.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. zeroswitch

    My childhood also had a lot inexplicable rage-outs from a parent. Still figuring out the answers. ( I did booze and pot and isolation, then therapy, now art, sometimes I’m still miserable, sometimes I’m much better.) Anyhow, thanks for writing about all this stuff, and good luck on your life journey. You have a lot of insight and wisdom.

    Liked by 1 person

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