MacArthur Park something-something in the dark…cake left out in the rain…rinse and repeat.
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I’m going to have to start with an update on the passing of esoteric researcher Tracy Twyman. I have now listened to several recentish podcasts & audio files either by or related to Twyman…and I’m genuinely concerned.
Why am I concerned? Because something clearly awful happened to Tracy Twyman. And as much as some of the more gung-ho theorists want to believe the “Deep State” did her in…there is certainly enough out there to suggest otherwise.
At the very least, it sounds like she might have been harassed and manipulated to the point of distress. I base this on her alleged “dead man switch” video posted posthumously on YouTube, in which she describes not only a “feud” she had with one reader, but a friendship with another that seemed to take a dark turn.
During the course of this video, she provides some evidence of being threatened and harassed to the point of taking down her content. She also claims that her “friend” then told her to kill herself and that she had to “suffer.”
Please note: this is what Twyman said in the video. I don’t know to what extent what she said in the video is true…how much actually happened, how much was her personal perception, and other factors. (And yes, per her recent podcast with Freeman, she was also into some occult practices…which I don’t think was the ultimate cause of went down, but may not have helped.)
But I’m saying this:
I went through similar bullshit when I used to blog about comics and later became a comic book writer. I was threatened, I was manipulated by some “friends” who seemed to get off on the drama (if not flat-out created some of it themselves) and I eventually disappeared from public life. I also considered suicide.
What prevented me from taking my life? Well…for one thing, LOTS of therapy. And a little bit of meds. But I also sort of developed…I guess “sense of humor” is the wrong term, but I did become very absurdist. This absurdist point of view was, obviously, a defense mechanism…but it also worked.
I also had to cut off a great deal of my peer group from my life. And by the time I re-emerged within that group, many barely “recognized” me. Which was good.
Surprisingly, I never had that particular type of problem with the esoteric/fringe community. But. I have had a number of instances where people have befriended me through Butterfly Language and things have gotten inexplicably weird. Like…really weird.
And so when I listened to Twyman discuss her own experiences…I started recognizing parallels. And it honestly made me reconsider continuing this site.
But one of the elephants in the room here is…you know, part of the reason I was “chased” off of my original comics blog (and comics writing in general) was because I was female in a male-dominated hobby/field. And so: I was one of the relatively few amount of women in that circle, and I was essentially “silenced.”
I don’t see what happened with Twyman as being primarily about gender at all; she was researching The Conspiracy That Must Not Be Named at the time of her passing, and obviously rubbed some people the wrong way with it. But there are aspects of the harassment she faced that…have “overtones.” Where I wonder if she was male, would the same stuff have happened to her in the same way.
But regardless: Twyman isn’t just “silenced” now, in terms of her content. She’s dead.
This is some serious, serious, tragic shit…and it makes me wonder if publicly handling these types of heavy topics–esoterica, conspiracies, etc.–is worth it.
For example, Twyman claimed this “friend” had accused her of making him “crazy” because of her writing. I had a person do that to me as well. It’s shit like that. People tell you that shit, and then you internalize it, and then you feel you shouldn’t write anymore. But what if writing this material is your “calling?” Why do other people get to practice their “calling”–comic book writing, esoteric blogging, etc.–but you can’t? Because you’re getting threatened, and blamed for other people’s problems.
After I wrote my Punisher one-shot and all this shitstorm went down–harassment, threats, etc.–I had one “friend” suggest to me, in all seriousness, that maybe I should have published it under a male name.
A bunch of these “friends” disappeared, by the way, when I began to talk about identifying a bit more masculine/non-binary. Because you can’t fucking win, apparently.
Oh yeah, and then there are the guys who write messages of admiration to me and then suddenly get all weird and accuse me of making them “gay” and insisting they know my exact gender identification better than I do. That doesn’t make me feel unsafe at all!
Not at all. I think they did an Uncanny X-Men comic on exactly that topic! Sure schooled me!
But I’m not a fucking idiot…I “get” that any time you do or say anything that bucks the system…you put yourself at risk. You do.
And then you publicly talk about esoteric topics…topics that for millennia were “forbidden” except perhaps to the priests or the initiates…and, to a degree, you put yourself at risk.
Just like you can talk about being a non-conformist of one type of the other…and some people will right off the bat hate you. And they’ll tell you you’re going to “hell.” Or maybe they’ll even beat the fuck out of you…
But I feel that if we don’t take the chance to say these things…humanity won’t evolve.
And then sometimes I feel…I hear about something like Twyman’s death and for a little while at least…I don’t care if humanity evolves. I just want to do my writing and research for myself and be left the fuck alone.
All I know is…I know the joy of intellectual pursuits and writing and research, and Twyman should have had more time to enjoy all that for herself.
But while this site is still active, let’s talk about…RESONANCES!
Such as: the NYC blackout that happened Saturday evening! On the 45th anniversary of the 1977 NYC blackout! Right after “Manhattanhenge!”
And so: what’s up with that? Why did it happen that way? Meaningful coincidence? Or just random happening?
It could be as simple as “reminding” us that perhaps there is an “order” to things…there is a resonance. And that is my bullshit Obi-Wan Kenobi explanation for it!
Lastly…I’ve been finally reading something that has been on my comic book “bucket list” for quite some time…Jack Kirby’s 2001: A Space Odyssey comic book series (as well as his movie adaptation).
I originally read this stuff to possibly do a feature on Fantasy Merchant…but the comics are so esoteric that I’m on the fence now. I mean…2001 is pretty much Kirby’s History of The Evolution Of Mankind. No small order.
And basically his point of view is that “aliens” of a sort interfered with humanity at different points in its existence, purposely bumping up its collective intellect. Which…when you consider that this series was written in 1977…this mid-70s period that had so much similar speculation, from Tim Leary and others…pretty wild stuff, man.
Kirby (purposely or not) uses his own metaphor of the Leary metaphor of the caterpillar and the butterfly over and over in the comic…the swiftly aging human getting covered with a gauze-like “pupa” and emerging as the Starchild.
It would be helpful to try to keep those humans who wish to help us move from the pre- to post-larval condition safe, right?
And that’s it for now. I have a post coming up shortly on the “storming Area 51” debacle/meme, and specifically Tom DeLonge’s reaction to it. After that? I’m not sure.
And sorry if I’ve posted a lot over the last few days and clogged up your feed. I think it was just this combo of coming back from an almost month-long trip where I didn’t get to write much, the intensity of recent current events, and just…the overall nervous energy.