The Resonator #8: Same As It Ever Was

“Time isn’t holding up, time isn’t after us
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was”
–Talking Heads, “Once In A Lifetime”

This one is going to be more of a “lightning round” of various thoughts and stuff I’ve read. Hope that’s OK.

Let me start with why I didn’t write any posts on Fantasy Merchant about all the pop-cultural wow news that came out of San Diego Comic-Con.

Basically…I saw that Cats trailer and wondered: why even bother anymore?

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It just killed my entire desire to report on this type of entertainment news, other than to shit all over it…and even the shitting all over it has become somewhat cliche and boring.

But here is the thing, Folks…I believe that to a good portion of the younger generations at the moment, that CGI “uncanny valley” look seems normal and appealing, because…they are growing up in front of tablets and phones playing in virtual “CGI” worlds anyway. They are interacting with each other in virtual humanoid bodies in virtual spaces buying virtual clothing and accessories with virtual (read: actual) money.

Which is all to say…I do recognize that I am the old fart in this equation.

***

And so then the question becomes…if I am the relatively old fart in this scenario, what sort of “value” do my words hold for these younger people at all?

What is my purpose?

***

And so all this talk of generational divides and possible “bridges” leads me to a vivid nightmare I had 2 weeks ago…where Donald Trump was my “grandfather” and claimed he was sorry we were so estranged and that he just wanted to have a relationship (not in the “Ivanka” sense, mind you) with me. And so he went up to me with his arms outstretched for a hug.

It is only until this very moment that I remember what the dream reminded me of:

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I have been asked why, if I do tend to identify more with the unconventional non-binary realm of the gender spectrum, do I not then put in my preferred pronouns in my Twitter profile.

tenor

I suppose it’s because a) I’ve never felt any real “need” to, b) people are going to “see” and “relate” to me the way they’re going to regardless, c) these pronouns don’t really “define” me (the essence of who I am, which is very very complicated).

But: that is just my opinion of how I relate to this issue of preferred pronouns. It’s not going to apply necessarily to other people’s needs or requirements. I can see how on one hand, there is an anxiety on the part of some cisgender people to not “misgender” someone else…hence, these pronouns in the Twitter profile are helpful. On another hand, it is also understandably important to some people to establish the identity they grok to and they have the right to request that preferred pronouns be used.

On the other hand (and now, once again, I’m counting on three hands)…as this all applies to me personally—just meI don’t really care. I care about other people feeling respected per those personal requirements and I think it’s kind of dickish (or pussy-ish) to purposely go against those requested requirements just to prove a point and start a fucking fight.

But as for me…I feel I’m a spirit in a temporary biological vehicle that’s used to interact with this particular reality. The temporary biological vehicle I received at birth into this particular reality was patterned and programmed as biological female; thus requiring the expenditure of thousands of dollars over the course of a lifetime for feminine hygiene products.

My spirit seems to take a more traditionally “masculine” view/interest on/in a number of topics—sexual attraction to biological females, surprisingly, not really one of them (in terms of a “default” sexuality). My inherent attraction to males seems to be per the machinery and programming of this particular temporary biological vehicle I have found myself ensconced in. The ebb and flow of my hormones (which, at this particular stage of my life, is something akin to David Lynch on meth), does seem to “dictate” (and, if not dictate per se, at least “drive”) what sort of gendered “gloss” my thoughts/actions may take at any given moment. Though: at its very core, my spirit seems to lean more towards a male/yang energy polarity (which to me, is different than either Gender or Sexuality; but, rather, a third category altogether).

So what is the “answer” to my current state, then? Is it to use hormones/surgery to make my biological vehicle “match” more my spirit? I think this is a very individual decision. What’s good for one person may not be for another. I can’t dictate what other people should do, because I’m not living their lives or operating in their particular reality tunnels.

In my personal case I do not want to “change” into a biological male, because I feel that this friction/frisson between my spirit and body is a defining part of who I am, averaging out into a sort of “chemical wedding” of androgyny in which I feel the most comfortable.

Further: this androgyny is, to me, a sort of dreamlike liminal realm…applied to which, the use of pronouns of one stripe or another are sort of meaningless. I accept that not only I am who I am…but that other people will have their own opinions and definitions of me regardless. A person can seem very well-meaning and proactively ask me: “what preferred pronouns would you like?”…and then, in the privacy of their social circle, or mind, make their own conclusions and definitions regarding me (and I know for a fact that this has fucking happened already). I accept that. I can’t control how people think.

This all being said: I want to reiterate that I understand why people put preferred pronouns in their Twitter bios and such. I am only speaking here of what works for meone person, an individual. Please do not use me as a “representative” of anything, because I’m pretty sure somewhere along the line I will grossly disappoint you.

Anyway, I hope I have answered that question sufficiently.

***

Oh dear, I feel as if I’ve used up my quarter for today—

Have a good Tuesday.

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